Welcome to the blog of yet another depressed, clueless, lonely 20something that is trying to find her way in life by doing the things that she thinks the likes.

I spend quite some time thinking about life. My life, others’ lives and how they compare. Do they feel these things too? Or am i the only one that is living in a constant panic attack? Is it normal to feel like this? Questions like this keep repeating itself.
That is why i decided to start writing about it. It’s just an experiment, a way to get stuff off my chest, but I know that the vulnerability of others has made me feel less like a freak at times. I hope that maybe by sharing this, someone else may experience that too.

It’s a weird time, i must say. Everyone around me seems so full of energy, so ramped up to start their life, to make something of it, getting new jobs, getting married, buying a house. And there I am. Underachieving, clueless and exhausted. Living in a tiny studio apartment off a student loan which i will later regret ever taking. Or not, i don’t know. Thousands of choices, all impacting my future and i feel like my underachieving will lead me to be homeless one day.

Why then is life so tough at this age? Aren’t we supposed to be thriving, working hard, playing even harder and having the times of our lives? If i get to speak for myself, that is not the case. If you’re anything like me, you barely make it through the (school/work) day and then come home, relieved to be able to finally breathe and shut down your overworking brain by watching youtube food videos for hours. Then to eat real but slightly disappointing after the amazing food you’ve seen online, another one of those components that make the day just a bit more bearable.

Then you realise you haven’t done anything useful to build up to that life and that happiness you wish to reach, so there you go. You slowly slip into the void of choice. The place where anything can happen, that place that you seem to find yourself in most of the time lately. The void that can lead to new friends and new experiences, or regret and overstimulation. The void where you can bathe in for hours, days, weeks by the wonderful power of procrastination. The tricky part is that at every end of the void, every one of these options can be waiting there for you. Of course you can know that working out will contribute to extra dopamine, which is my much needed happiness boost, and health, so that is one of the lesser choices. The real tricky ones are the ones that involve actually socializing and going out. ‘Oh no, what if i end up hating it and my social battery runs out 15 minutes into the whole thing? I’ll have to fake enjoy every conversation, which they’ll probably notice, which will hurt our relationship, one of the better ones i have left. Ok decision made, i am not gonna go out’. This is just a fraction of the processes that go around in my head daily. The stupid part is that it is completely legit because it has happened too often. I wish i could agree with my supportive friends and family saying that i should not listen to that because it is not likely to happen, but it is likely to happen.

And even though such sucky thing happen often, i have noticed that exposing myself to people and experiences has lead to so much good things in the end. Just the simple choice of stepping out of the scary end of the void and sitting through the consequences that come with that, even if that means an awful conversation that goes nowhere. I can go home afterwards and watch Adventure time for 6 hours straight. The nice part is that I still got to know another person slightly better and they got to know me. It’s not only the amazing and super naturally flowing conversations that build relationships, it’s all of it. Every awkward try to fill up the silence, every awkward almost hug and every exhausting conversation. In these moments you get to know people for real. Not only their amazing first impression sides, but their awkward sides too, and before you know it you two have something to relate about: your awkwardness. I know that these moments suck a lot, but i am someone that really extremely values very deep friendships that feel like family. I don’t care for having a lot of friends, i want to have 1 or 2 really close friends, which is something i am still looking for.

Don’t get me wrong, i don’t push myself to do these thing that much lol. I am quite introvert and sensitive to stimuli, which means i have a limit in terms of social gatherings and busy, zooming places like concerts or big church gatherings etc, so more often than not i avoid these situations. I just found it a very useful discovery that sitting through the awkwardness, whether it be a date with a friend, or a big social gathering where you have no one to talk to, is not a waste of time and energy. It contributes to letting the world getting to know you, the real you. And the other way around. Awkwardness isn’t bad, it’s normal and it makes us human.